Sometimes the biggest issue I think I have is ‘managing’ everyone else’s feelings. Somehow I ended up with this life-long feeling I am not only responsible for how everyone around me feels, but also for ‘fixing’ it and getting them back to feeling happy. And let’s make no mistake about it, society and in turn plenty of people in my life encouraged this belief and pattern.
So how does this change??
When I feel this in my body, my body relaxes.
I can also feel our collective anxiety. Have I felt anxious? Yes. Have I thought “You have got to be f*cking kidding me?” Yep.
For over a decade I did all the things I could think of, to attract and be with a romantic match. I did the work on myself- loads of it, deep work. I went to workshops on sensuality, I took up Tantra, I meditated, I cleared out my old relationships, I owned what was mine and looked at, and I mean really looked at it.
I like to think of myself as a mature adult. However, I know I make decisions and have reactions that are shall we say, are not the most mature option available.
I have come to understand how all too frequently it is either my inner child or inner teenager actually ‘running’ parts of my life like my dating and relating, or my finances.
In our culture women are not encouraged to be in their authentic, mature feminine self. Most of us don’t even know what that would feel like. Yet it is possible stand in your natural power, and be the adult in your own life.
Being a mature feminine woman is heady stuff, and not for the faint-hearted. It takes some growing up, and being accountable. The upside is, it brings you more freedom in your relationships, more choices, and the capacity to feel a lot more joy. So how do you get there?
The first thing you need to do is admit you do shut down and lose your voice. It’s hard to admit this, and much more difficult to accept. And yet, when you take this step, you are on the way back to your natural power. This is the first thread you start to pull and follow, and it will lead you back to when your voice shut down, and ultimately how to speak up for yourself.
It has taken me years to come to terms with one of the most obvious truths about intimate relationships: that there is labour in love.
We have all heard that you can’t change a person, and that loving someone is accepting them as they are. These ideals sound great in theory, but let’s face it, none of us actually practices this with others or even ourselves.
“I accept you wholeheartedly, except when you do precisely the thing that annoys me the most, after I have very patiently explained a hundred times how you should do it differently”.
Over the last month, power dynamics in relationships has been a hot topic for my clients. In particular, women have been describing what I call ‘the command’, where a man instructs a woman about what she should be doing. I know for myself, this immediately shuts down my body and my heart. And it is difficult to transition from these interactions into more sensual and sexual spaces. So, what is going on here between men and women in romantic relationships?